i literally cannot go a long period of time without fucking falling back into old habits. i havent even thought of cutting for months.
but i guess when four separate people basically call you fat in the same fucking day, it gets to you. it’s like, do you think i want to be this way? i dont fucking choose my body weight. i do my best to lose weight. i have fucking done everything; skipped meals only taking in 300 calories, ate healthy and balanced meals, ive exercised like crazy. i’ve lost over 30 fucking pounds. but no one knows that. no. they just see some fat worthless piece of shit apparently. i am so tired of hearing this shit. i know im fat. no one knows it better than i do. i dont need my ‘friends’ or ‘family’ throwing it in my face.
i couldnt handle it anymore and after a good 5 months, i relapsed.
not one person can begin to understand how paranoid i actually am. i seriously worry about everything. it’s the sole cause for being the way i am and, i just don’t know how to keep going on. i cant keep living like this.
every night, before i go to bed i have been telling myself that maybe tomorrow will be the day that everything gets better. i’ve done this for years and so far, nothing has gotten better. actually, everything has gotten worse. sooner or later i’m just gonna give up.
i am so close to just giving up on life. so close.
I just crave death more and more each day.
Recovery’s a joke and so am I.
It is literally paining me to not cut right now. I am shaking so uncontrollably. I need the steel against my skin, but I can’t. I must recover. These thoughts need to leave my head so I can get better, but why? Why won’t they leave?
oh. and after a doctors visit today, turns out i’ve lost over 20 pounds. funny how it’ll never be enough though.
i really believe that i don’t deserve to live. i keep hurting those who are trying to help me, but i can’t help it. i really can’t. i’m fucking pathetic.
Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut. Must fight urge to cut.
No. Fuck that. I am sick to my stomach. I am tired of this all. I am fucking done. Don’t even try to stop me, today has been the worst day I’ve had in months. I can’t keep letting everything build up the way I have been. It’s either I cut or I’m gonna end up killing myself.
Like, if I can’t have you in my life at all, I’d rather be laying in a coffin 6 feet under.